Miscarriage

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Good and bad. Joy and heartache.

We found out 5 weeks ago I was expecting a baby. It wasn't a surprise, but I still didn't believe it, probably because I took a pregnancy test the day I missed my period and got a big ole' negative. That's usually conclusive, and I was just left to wait. 

However, five days later I opted to test one more time. Two more times actually. The faint pink line was almost imperceptible, but it was there on both tests. I was pregnant, but just barely.

We sat on our secret for a couple weeks, not even telling our families at first. I honestly wasn't sure how people would respond, and I didn't want anyone to ruin those first few weeks of dreaming and adjusting. 

Plus, things were different this time, harder. Almost instantly I started feeling sick all day long. The sickness would come in waves forcing me to stop and just sit, praying not to pass out or throw up. I was lightheaded and exhausted. I've never struggled with morning sickness in past pregnancies, at least not like this! 

The other thing I noticed was my waistline started growing overnight! I knew things would start to show sooner with this being my fourth pregnancy, but this was more than I expected. 

Then one day as I was sitting and trying very hard not to be sick, I just knew. I was having twins.

Two weeks later an ultrasound confirmed it. There were two babies!

My husband didn't believe me when I called him Monday morning with the good news. For the next four days I lived in a state of crazy disbelief and thanksgiving. This was the scariest and best thing that had ever happened to me. We started telling our friends and family, who we knew would rejoice with us, our good news! We were going to be parents of five wonderful children.

However, there was one hiccup in our story. I really didn't even pay attention to it at the time. 

At our first ultrasound Baby B was hiding at the top of my uterus, so far at the top that getting a good ultrasound picture was difficult. The tech requested we come back for a follow up a few days later so we could try one more time to get a good measurement. She told me twice not to worry, that this didn't mean anything bad. We just needed a better look. 

So Thursday morning we went back in for another ultrasound. I took my husband with me, eager to show him our two precious babies.

Except it wasn't good news. We did get a better look at Baby B. She hadn't grown. There were no heart tones. She had no color. 

The ultrasound techs whispered to each other and excused themselves from the room. My husband asked if that meant they were going to try and look again, and I said, "No. I think it means we lost the baby." 

I've gone over those few minutes in that ultrasound room a dozen times in my head. There were two babies there. One was active moving and had the most beautiful heart flutter I have ever seen, and then there was another baby, a lifeless ball, smaller and not moving. 

There was such joy and great sorrow in that one moment. It might be the most confusing thing I've ever felt in my life! 

The doctor called Baby B our a vanishing twin. It happens in about 20-30% of twin pregnancies caught with an early ultrasound. Baby B stopped growing at 7 weeks 6 days. It was a Sunday. The day before we found out she existed. 

The doctor also told us that while we would probably be nervous, it was very unlikely for us to lose Baby A. In all her years of practice (which are a lot!) she couldn't remember a mom in my circumstance losing both babies. 

Except we did. Ten days after losing Baby B, we went in for a third ultrasound. I expected everything to be fine, but I knew from the moment I saw Baby A that it wasn't. She was too small and not moving, and there were no precious little heart flutters like before. 

Two babies gone in less than two weeks. 

The loss is so fresh, I'm not completely sure how to process it. When we lost Baby B, I was shocked and angry. Why would God give us twins only to take them away a few days later? What purpose could that serve? 

But today I feel peace. When I realized Baby A was gone too, I felt disappointment mixed with relief. They were gone. It was over. I could get closure, and we could move on.

I know the grieving process is different for everyone, and although thousands of women have been in this same place, it's uncharted territory for me.

But I do know this: God is good to us. Even when we don't understand. Even when we understand, but we just don't like it! 

And God is sovereign. He is the one holding our lives in His hand, and He knew these babies even before He gave them momentarily to me. 

I have faith that His plan for our family included these precious little girls. We only knew them for a moment, but they will forever be on our hearts as a reminder that life is precious and that God is good. 

*I referred to the twins as girls. Of course, they were too small to confirm that by ultrasound, but I just have a feeling. And who is gonna argue with a mom's feeling?*