The following is a guest post written by Katie Wright and was originally shared with her friends and family on Facebook in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Katie has graciously allowed me to reprint them here and share with you.
Most
people seem really uncomfortable and afraid to say the wrong thing when they
learn that someone is not childless by choice. It is a very painful thing
for anyone to discuss - including myself. It's a heartbreaking situation, and
if someone simply doesn't want to talk about what they're going through or have
been through, please respect that.
However, sometimes the topic comes up, and we need to know how to be an encouragement to those who are struggling. So today I want to share with you a list of things to say (and NOT to say) to those dealing with infertility, so that you can approach the subject with a little less trepidation.
OUCH!: Why the rush? You're still so
young.
Age
doesn't have anything to do with it. Every pregnancy announcement we hear,
every baby we see, every expectant mother we sit next to while waiting to see
the doctor about our latest test results is a reminder of all we don't have and
can't be. Each time a sensitive, caring friend comes to tell you in the privacy
of your own home ("before you find out anywhere else") that she is
expecting, the only way you can survive it is by promising yourself that you'll
be next. But when the next announcement ISN'T yours, it gets harder and harder
to believe. I'm not trying to beat my biological clock. I'm trying to beat
everyone else's! I'm trying to beat that next horrible blow! I'm trying to beat
feeling that unbearable ache one - more - time.
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: You will be such great parents!
Thank you
for believing in us! And thanks for the reminder that we will get there
eventually. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. We may not get our child
in the way we'd always imagined, but one way or another, we will be parents. (Hint: Be sure not to say this to
someone who has chosen to remain childless and is healing from that.)
OUCH!: Have you considered
fostering/domestic adoption/international adoption/IVF/embryo transfer/egg
donor/surrogate/kidnapping/etc?
Yes. Just
yes. Trust me, we've been up and down the list five million times. Anyone going
through this is going to explore EVERY option! The truth is that none of these
options are ideal. There are unbelievably long waits, deep pain, unknown and
frightening risks, incredible expense, questionable ethics, birthparent
relationships, and a multitude of other issues no matter which way you turn
when you can't conceive naturally. Please trust that we've made the right
decision for US.
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: How did you arrive at the decision to pursue [insert chosen method of
family-building]?
I'm glad
you asked! It wasn't an easy choice, I assure you. Thanks for being interested
in our journey!
OUCH!: Are you
really going to do that? Haven't you heard that [insert any manner of negative
objection]?
Yes. I
assure you we've read all the reasons we should and shouldn't do everything.
We've done our homework, but everywhere you look, you can always find an
organization or blog or protestor that is more than happy to tell you why any
given choice is wrong. Sometimes you have to look at your options and ask,
"Which option gives me the peace in my soul to let me sleep at
night?"
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: That must be a tough decision.
Yes, it
is. Thank you for recognizing that. I hope you never have to make it.
OUCH!: So which one of you has the
problem?
Seriously?
If I wanted you to know that, I would've told you. If I'm the problem, I'm not
sure I appreciate you being so curious about the failures of my baby-maker. If
it's my spouse, I'm really not comfortable discussing his physical issues
behind his back. There's no winner to this question. The point is not to blame
one person. We are a couple striving for the same purpose and working through
the same problem together.
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: How is your husband handling all this?
How kind
of you to think of him! Infertility can cause serious stress in a marriage.
We're working through it together, and he's been an amazing, supportive husband
on those days when I'm a wreck!
OUCH!: All
you need to do is ...
Okay. I'm
going to stop you right there. Because whatever comes out of your mouth next is
going to either be incredibly awkward, uninformed, or obsolete, but most likely
all three. It's amazing how many people who have never lived through this
struggle are happy to advise me to take special vitamins, have my spine
adjusted, add a "special ingredient" to my tea, monitor my body
temperature, spin around three times chanting in German, or any other number of
unhelpful rituals. Infertility is a complex medical concern with many causes
(many of which are unknown) and many levels of severity.
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: I'll be praying for you.
Sometimes,
that's all we need to hear. And sometimes, it's our only hope. Thank you!
OUCH!: If you would just relax/adopt/stop
trying, it'll happen.
If I had a
nickel for every time this was said to me, my costs would be covered! In a
perfect world, we could all achieve what we want by closing our eyes, taking a
deep breath, and wishing. The human anatomy is complicated. Infertility can be
caused by chromosomal, hormonal, mechanical, genetic, disease-related,
secondary, or even neural conditions, just to list a few of the physical gears
that go into human fertility. But NOT failure to put one's feet up from time to
time!
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: I hope it happens for you very soon, even if it's in a way you don't
expect!
Thank you.
We do too!
OUCH!: You want
kids? You can take a couple off my hands. My kids will change your mind.
This is
probably the most hurtful thing that I ever hear. I know you mean it as a joke
and that you're just trying to lighten the mood. I know you love your children.
But you have no idea what a slap in the face it is. You have no idea that
there's a deep part of me that wants to scream, "YES!" Everywhere you
go, you can see parents who don't appreciate or take care of their children -
people who just want to be parents when it's convenient. You just want to go
tell them all what a blessing they are missing out on because they aren't
cherishing their children.
THE BETTER
RESPONSE: Wow. Seeing what you're going through makes me appreciate my family
more.
Katie lives in Oklahoma with her husband of two and a half
years Robert and their 50-pound beagle-boxer mix named Bramble. In April of
2014, after eighteen months of treatment with three different doctors, they
received the devastating news that their chances of having biological children,
even with help, were roughly equivalent to the Cubs winning the World Series.
They are now exploring options and seeking the voice of God while Katie works
on her newest writing project, "Rachel's Cry: 28 Days of Prayer for Women
Battling Infertility".
I really appreciate your care to create this blog so that woman can be saved from those devestating and heartbreaking questions. Here is an article that very much relates to this and shows how God is very aware of our circumstances. Let me know what you think!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.reallifeanswers.org/challenges-in-life/how-do-i-cope-with-infertility/