We are officially 9 days overdue. I've really struggled this week to nail down what exactly I'm feeling. It's this strange (and annoying) pull between desperation and confidence. I desperately want this baby to come, and yet, I'm confident that God's timing is perfect, even if it seems a little late.
God has known my little guy's birthday even from the moment he was conceived. I on the other hand have no idea except that it really does have to be soon. Like...really. It HAS to be soon.
And so I'm patiently being impatient.
Most of the time I find myself happily caring for my family and getting ready for baby. I've finished craft projects, prepared freezer meals, and had happy little adventures with my family of four. I even spent a full day cleaning the house from top to bottom so it was nice and neat when we came home from the hospital. Of course, that was 9 days ago, so I'm guessing it's about time to clean again.
I've dusted off the baby things, unpacked the newborn clothes, and made room in our home for another precious little one.
I've also tried to take time to rest. It's really not that hard. I think every muscle in my body is starting to rebel against pregnancy. I've had a beautifully easy pregnancy until about 40 weeks, and then I slowly started falling apart. Achy muscles, sore hips, nausea, and an emotional roller coaster that would make even the sanest of people feel crazy. It doesn't take much to convince me to sit down and rest a while.
But my biggest battle this week has been fighting the urge to complain. It's always on the tip of my tongue, and I'm afraid I've given in more often than I should. I'm reminded of the verses in Romans 7 when Paul talks about knowing the right thing to do and doing the wrong thing anyway.
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Romans 7:15,18-19
I know I should be patient. I should wait with quietness and joy. God has numbered Baby J's days. His life is in God's hands and the Lord knows what day has been appointed for his birthday. All of my impatience can do nothing to change that, and honestly, I wouldn't want it to. I trust that God's plan is best.
But yet I still find myself needing to apologize and confess that at my core, I'm still very much weak and sinful. I'm tired of the uncertainty and waiting. I'm tired of this emotional and spiritual fight against impatience and complaining. I'm tired of trying to stay strong. I just want to have a baby.
And so I wait, patiently impatient. Trusting that whenever our sweet boy comes will be perfect...and hopefully soon!
(In the meantime, I'll try to keep myself busy with these babies. Bouncer seats aren't just for newborn anymore!)
Now it's Link-up Time!
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And now it's time to LINK-UP! I can't wait to read what you all have to say this week! And if you want, grab a button and share this link-up with your readers. The more the merrier!
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Come on, baby! You can do it! :)
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