And Two Shall Become One: The Marriage Transition


Today I'm joining with a group of bloggers at Wholesome Womanhood to answer a reader question. Head on over to Wholesome Womanhood to hear how the other ladies answered this question.  

"How did you transition between singleness and marriage? Was it difficult? Were there some things about marriage that surprised you?"

My husband and I have been married 4 years and I am happy to say that I love being married. Seriously, love it!

I honestly remember that first year of marriage being surprisingly easy. Everyone warned me about all the annoying habits my husband would have, how difficult it would be to live together, and how the honeymoon wouldn't last forever. 

Well maybe I just got lucky blessed, but 4 years later I still feel like it’s a honeymoon (plus two little kids and a lot of laundry).

However, there were a few things that I wasn't quite prepared for in that first year of wedded bless, so today I want to pass on a few pointers to all you soon-to-be newly-weds.

Marriage Surprise #1
"My spouse is not made of money."

I remember the first time I took a gander in our newly joint checking account. I cried. We had a few hundred dollars, lots of Wal-Mart gift cards, and some 20 mixing bowls to our name. I was terrified. I'd lived my entire 23 years under the security and provision of my parents. There was always money when I needed it, and I didn't have to worry about silly things like bills and food. But now, with our bank account sitting on empty, I was depending on my new husband to provide for me, and turns out, he didn’t know what he was doing either! What was I thinking?!?!

Maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but there were lots of tears, and lots of budgeting, and lots of late night conversations where I unnecessarily worried about how we would afford all kinds of things we didn’t actually need.

It was a rough few months as we worked together to get our financial feet under us. For anyone looking to get married (or get out of debt, or to learn about investing or budgeting), I would highly recommend “The Complete Guide to Money” by Dave Ramsey. He walks you through how to budget, save, give, and invest your money wisely. His biblical approach to money has  saved us from many fights that naturally would have come had we not gotten on the same page about our finances.

Marriage Surprise #2
"His friends aren't nearly as cool as he thinks they are."

When we got married I gladly adopted my husband’s home, his church, his family, his lifestyle, everything but his friends. They are great guys. I just wasn't interested in video games, rock music, and late night movies.

At the same time I desperately missed my college girlfriends. I spent four years of my life constantly hanging out with a group of friends who thought like me and had similar interests as me. I longed for girl-talk!

And while I don’t claim to have this friendship thing all figured out, there is one general principle I would give you.

Your husband is your best friend. You should spend most of your free time with him, and you should always hold his secrets close to your heart. He may not always be the one you go shopping with or get your nails done with or even chat with on facebook, but he is still the one that loves you the most. Invest in that relationship and you will reap the rewards.

Marriage Surprise #3
"My husband's relationship with God is boring."

My husband is a thinker. He loves old hymns, pews, and having all the lights on during the service. He gets his kicks reading Leviticus and looking up Hebrew words in his lexicon. He could spend all day chasing scriptural rabbits or discussing modalism and molinism (which apparently sound similar but have nothing to do with one another.)

I’m more of a feeler. I love application, emotion, and discussion questions. I spend lots of time in the Psalms and Proverbs (not Leviticus). I’d much prefer a modern worship services with the 4 acoustic guitars, a drummer, and 17 vocalists.

It was a struggle for us in the beginning to learn how to pray together and how to discuss scripture without anyone getting their feelings hurt (…mostly me). I had to learn to appreciate our differences instead of being frustrated over them. I need his practical head knowledge to guide and direct my heart. He needs my heart and emotion to give hands and feed to his studying.

We work well together…usually.

Now it's your turn. What was the transition between singleness and marriage like for you?

Check out some of my other posts about marriage.


  1. "I had to learn to appreciate our differences." So true! There are, of course, the differences between how men and women, typically, respond to situations. But then you're used to how your family acts and does things and his family has completely different ways of doing things. There's nothing wrong with's just different.

    We've been married 6 1/2 years and we're still learning about each other's differences. :-) As we learn and work together, we grow closer together.

  2. I had to transition from my "I depend on myself to survive" mentality to my now "I depend on God and my husband" mentality. I don't have to solve the problems on my own anymore. While I was saved well before I met my husband, I hadn't learned to live completely on faith. It's still a work in progress but I am making progress!

  3. I appreciate you talking about the honeymoon stage of your marriage. Our first baby is coming in a few weeks and I have wondered how that will affect our honeymoon. Glad to know that it doesn't have to stop it. The past year and a half has been a perfect honeymoon....but we always talk about the next 80 years being the rest of our honeymoon. ;) Can't wait to see what the future holds!

  4. This is so fitting for me! I get married in five days and am curious about how the transition will go. Like you said, it seems like everyone is eager to point out how annoying habits come to light, but I truly hope I have what you have: a "honeymoon" feeling years later. Thanks for posting!

  5. Great comments!

    I've had a similar frustration with the "you're going to annoy each other" prediction that so many have made--but when I tell people that I haven't really found any particularly annoying habits yet, they tell me it's just because we're still in the honeymoon phase (only 3 months married). I think probably there will be some of those--but we can make choices about how we deal with those annoyances as they arise so that they're not a huge deal (I think, perhaps optimistically.)

    In some ways, I've had the opposite experience as you with my husband's friends. I really enjoy my husband's two best friends. They're fantastic single men who are seeking after God and I genuinely enjoy talking with them. On the other hand, I've had a very hard time establishing good female relationships in a new town and new church. The couples we hang out with are nice enough, but they don't seem to be kindred spirits. In this case, the lack of girlfriends has strained Daniel's and my relationship, because it's made me very possessive of his time (which is already limited because he's going to school part-time for an MBA in addition to his full-time work as an engineer.) We've spent a fair amount of time processing through ways to help me develop female friendships here in town (and ways to help us develop friendships with couples who we both consider kindred spirits) so that we can *all* share one another's burdens (instead of Daniel having the complete load of mine!) Of course, the other component of this is constantly battling against idolatry in my own heart. I have to continually remind myself that Christ, not Daniel, is my all, my burden-bearer, my Source.

  6. We got pregnant a month after getting for us we hit our feet running. Two kids later, after 3 1/2 years of marriage, I think the hardest surprise was learning to communicate after you are married. Before you are married, you are trying so hard to please each other. However, the day in day out stuff can get hard, especially when you add being pregnant and kids to the mix, as wonderful as those things are. So, I guess the greatest shock for me was having to work on our communication with each other and find time to spend together. It is amazing how busy you get when you are married. Even though you might see each other every day, the time you spent might not be as quality as before marriage because you are tired from kids, work, school and life. Both my husband and I go to school full-time, and he works full-time maybe this is why this is our struggle? Anyways, great post! =)



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