Marriage After Baby

Babies bring a whole new twist to marriage. You're chugging along, figuring out the how to's and what for's of being a married person then...Bam! Hormones, spit-up, crying, diapers, and lack of sleep pull the rug out from under your feet. It's enough to strain even the best of marriages. 

But this doesn't usually happen without warning (unless you are on one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant " tv specials). You have 9 months to prepare for your newest little addition.

So today I thought I'd share with you my advice for marriage after baby. 

1. Don't expect a dad to think like a mom. There are some things moms just know or at least think they know best. Don't expect your husband to have the same intuition or intricate knowledge of all things baby. If you know the baby needs 3 diapers and two burp rags in her diaper bag, say so. Use those exact words! Don't make the mistake of saying, "could you please pack the bag for church," then be shocked when all baby has are extra socks and no pacifier. 

2. Respect your husband's authority. The role of mother is naturally a bossy one, so it's easy to forget that we are first and foremost created to be wives that submit to our husbands. I may be the manager of my home, my husband is still the head of the family and ultimately responsible for how we raise our children. It's important that I share the details of our day with him (and it's important that he take the time to listen!). I look to him for guidance and wisdom even in the small things. Don't get so caught up in your role as a mother that you start treating your husband like a child. 

3. Don't expect your husband to like changing diapers. Sounds obvious, but when we first brought Rooster home I loved everything about caring for my son. Even his poopy diapers were wonderful! So I was greatly offended one day when I heard my husband use the word "nasty" in reference to a dirty diaper. How could any good parent be grossed out by their child? I've since changed my tune. Babies are gross. Wonderful, but gross.

This is one of my favorite pics of Rooster and my husband. That blanket is his spit up shield. You can never be too careful!

4. Be unconventional with date night. Date night doesn't have to mean a babysitter. While getting out of the house together for some alone time is nice, it's not always practical for a breastfeeding mother who is slightly overprotective.Take advantage of time together as a family. We love to go on walks together and often pretend like the kids aren't there (they usually fall asleep anyway!). Long car rides provide lots of time for good conversation, and family movie nights provide a chance to snuggle up together on the couch. Also, consider a "no housework after bedtime rule". Those dishes will still be dirty tomorrow. Stop and spend time with your husband! 

5. Be affectionate. Now I know that each marriage has it's own unique way of showing affection. We are mushy-gushy kind of people, but you may not be. That's not important. However, it is important that you keep doing whatever it is that made your marriage fun before you had kids. Love notes, playful teasing, good old-fashioned practical jokes, making out in public, be creative :)

I saw this on facebook from ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com. So true!

Image Credit

6. Have patience in the bedroom. Speaking of affection...don't expect making the second baby to be quite as carefree as making the first. Being intimate with kids in the house takes time and patience. Things are rolling along just fine until the baby starts crying and mom suddenly remembers she forgot to put the clothes in the dryer. Twenty minutes later the mood is gone and you can barely keep your eyes open. Such is life. And while this type of scenario rarely bothers me, it can greatly frustrate my husband. Take time to talk about your expectations for one another, and just remember that loving someone means putting their needs above your own. 

7. Pursue common interests. My husband and I both love books. Reading together and trips to the used bookstore were a big part of our relationship before kids came along. And while my time is more limited now, we do try to take time and read together still. Whether you are readers, or movie watchers, or avid hunters, maintaining a common interest will strengthen your friendship with your spouse. Remember, you still have to be married after the kids are grown and gone! Better make sure you have something to talk about.

8. Encourage one another. If you are really thankful your husband took the time to sweep the kitchen floor, say so! If you are really impressed with the way he handled a discipline situation, speak up! You don't have to be all sappy if you don't want to. A good ole attaboy goes a long way! Parenting comes with lots of unfamiliar territory and even the most confident of us can feel like we're in over our heads. Taking the time to give positive feedback is essential to maintaining good attitudes.

9. Sleep in separate rooms. Now I'm sure some marriage expert out there would throw me under the bus for saying this, but sometimes sleeping separately is helpful. I sleep better when I am alone and I know someone is taking care of the baby. So when things get tense around here, I just plop myself in the guest room bed and let my husband sleep with the baby in our room. This is a temporary solution during those first few weeks that makes sure the four hours of sleep I get are actually restful!  

10. Accept that different isn't always a bad thing. Yes, there are times when I would love to go back to our before baby marriage. Back to when we slept in on Saturdays and had "date night" every night! But now that we've crossed that baby threshold, I know we are much better for it. We are less selfish and more forgiving, less prideful and more understanding. Over the past year and a half of dealing with one parenting crisis after another, we've become a team. We curl up on the couch at the end of a long day and just laugh together at our mistakes and our triumphs because no matter what we are in this together...

For better or for worse.

P.S. This is one of my "for worse" moments. 

NEVER let people throw birdseed at you. Just don't. 

How has having a baby changed your marriage? What advice would you give a young married couple expecting a baby?