One Long Sleepless Night at a Time

There are worse things in life than being tired. I honestly can’t think of what they are right now, but maybe that’s because I’m too exhausted to think much of anything at the moment.  

I’d love to tell you that Teacup is an easy baby and we are all well-rested, but that would be an outright lie. We are NOT well-rested, and there is no such thing as an easy baby!

Today in particular I am feeling the effects of late night feedings and no sleep. As I pulled myself out of bed sometime around noon, I marveled at the fact that despite being in bed for 12 hours I’d slept less than 5 of them.

Looking in the mirror at my pale complexion and the dark circles under my eyes, I just gave in to the negativity and doubt. Why is this so hard? What am I doing wrong? Why don’t I just quit nursing? Why doesn’t the baby just sleep at night? Why does my life have to revolve around a baby? Why, why, why?!?!

After a few minutes of the self-indulgent pity I started to pull myself together. I don’t have the luxury of actually falling apart. Someone needs to fix lunch and start a load of laundry. After a few calming breaths I began reminding myself of all those good, true things that get me through the day. Things like:

You love these kids.

They make you laugh way more than they make you cry.

God will never give you more than you can handle.

There is chocolate on top of the fridge.

And you won’t be tired forever.

That’s when it hit me. I won’t be tired forever.

I’ve been through this valley before and made it through just fine. This is just a season in life, and it will pass. Good nights will come again, nights when I get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, nights when no one wakes up crying, wanting to eat or be held.

In that moment, standing in front of the mirror and having a heart-to-heart with Jesus, I realized that my tiredness was simply a mask for a deeper problem: impatience. 

I know this trying time in life will pass. God has proven himself faithful before, and he will do it again. I’m not going to waste away from lack of sleep. In fact, I could function on less. Eventually, those blessed nights of rest will come…

I just don’t want to wait for them. I’m simply impatient.

As I humbly stood there with dirty hair and pajamas covered in spit up, I confessed my sin before an Almighty God and did the one thing a good Christian should never do.  I prayed for patience.

Patience to get me through these hard days and long nights.

Patience to smile, sing, and laugh when I feel like crying.

Patience to love my little ones when I desperately want a break.

Patience to wait on God’s timing and his sweet provision of rest.

Sadly enough, my prayer wasn’t answered with way I hoped it would be. In that moment I wasn’t endowed with supernatural strength or miraculous peace and contentment. In fact, I still felt tired, grumpy, and very much in need of a shower, but that’s just how God works sometimes.  He makes us walk through the refining fires to make us stronger, more pure, and more patient. 

So instead of giving in to the doubt and despair that come from being tired and frustrated, I will choose to be joyful and give thanks to the Lord for his many blessings. Patience will eventually come…one long, sleepless night at a time.