I've definitely hit the uncomfortable mark in this pregnancy, but then you would be uncomfortable too if you were as big as a Christmas tree (in all fairness, we do have a rather small tree...)! I'm just really glad that Rooster doesn't fit in my belly anymore. Now that would be unpleasant!
Really I have very little to complain about. Sure those kicks that were once so sweet have become slightly painful, and that cute pregnancy belly has become very, very cumbersome. However, overall I'd say this whole growing a baby things is a walk in the park!
...At least physically. Emotionally things haven't been so easy. Recently, I've struggled with fear and bad dreams. Thoughts like, "what if someone kidnaps my son and tortures him while I'm standing by helpless?" or "what if my husband is in an accident with a chain saw and calls me on his death bed, the shock of which sends me into preterm labor and no one comes to take me to the hospital?"
Yeah, kinda crazy, right?
Of course, I also think about things like "what if our Teacup isn't completely healthy" or "what if we have a difficult delivery?". Or the biggest one of all, "what if I can't handle the pain of nursing another baby?"
(Pause to go find the Klennex.)
So what's a girl to do in the midst of all these fear and worry? Prayer seems like the obvious answer, but just between you and me, prayer doesn't offer much comfort these days because I know God doesn't always give us what we want.
I know He always gives us what's best, but sometimes His best comes in the form of heartache and pain. In scripture we see God using barrenness, famine, and death to show His glory and reveal Himself to His people. He promises that all things work together for our good, but sometimes that good is painful.
I know I should be okay with that. I know that I should embrace those blessings!
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Count it all joy when you face trails of various kinds!
Be content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
But late at night when I'm lying awake overrun by worry, I really don't want those blessings! I want life to be easy, happy, and free from sorrow and strife!
I'm reminded of the man in the gospel of Mark who cries out to Jesus, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
I know God is gracious and full of loving compassion for His children. I know he is watching over us, and His plan and purpose for our life is perfect. I just have a hard time accepting that His plan isn't my plan and His way isn't my way.
So while I go into this next month believing that God will take care of us, that He will provide for us, and have mercy on our family, I can't help but cry in my heart, "Oh Lord, I believe; but help my unbelief!"