Top Ten Ways NOT to Induce Labor

Well, here we are 3 days from when our due date and still no baby…and not from lack of trying! 

I’ve become an expert on what the experts say are the ways to induce labor. 

I’ve also tried some not-so-tried-and-true tactics of my own, and of course none of them have worked either.  So if you will indulge me a minute I would like to share with you my Top Ten Ways Not to Induce Labor:

1.       Napping- I read somewhere that before going into labor many women get a strong urge to sleep or rest all day as their body’s way of preparing for the big event.  Well in an effort to encourage labor, I decided to take the initiative and just take a long nap every day, whether I am particularly tired or not.  It doesn’t work.  Apparently you can’t trick your body into thinking it needs rest to go into labor.

2.       Jumping- Over the past few days I’ve had several people (most of them who have never given birth) suggest I try jumping to break my water.  At first I just laughed, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I can now say with certainty, jumping does not cause your water to break, but it does give a large pregnant woman a good workout.

3.       Spicy Foods- This one is one of the most recommended ways to induce labor I can find, but I am here to tell you I don’t think it works.  I have yet to find a spicy food that will send me into labor, although I have become quite adept at inducing heartburn.

4.       Google- Being informed does not speed labor along in any way. I have read every article and message board I can find about the stages and progression of labor.  I know every warning sign that labor is approaching. I have ready countless articles on the difference between real and false contractions.  I have even googled bad breath, gas, and emotional breakdowns to see if there is any connection to the onset of labor. I now know a lot about labor and still no baby.

5.       Online shopping- Over the past week, I’ve received 3 packages of things I’ve ordered online, and I’m expecting another 3 next week.  I know it seems excessive (okay, it IS excessive but in all fairness it’s stuff I needed).  Nevertheless, I can say with some confidence that online shopping does not induce labor.

6.       Reasoning/Bargaining with Baby- We’ve tried everything from promising him presents for coming early and threatening him with punishments for being late. Evan has even yelled at my belly for him to “head south” and “come towards the light.”  Still no baby. 

7.       Crying- Well I didn’t exactly try this as a way to induce labor.  It’s just a byproduct of being uncomfortable and having to waddle everywhere.  I’ve probably spent as much time crying as I have napping over the last few weeks, and I can say there is a reason it’s not on the recommended list of how to induce labor. All you get is puffy eyes, a runny nose, and a really on-edge husband.  

8.       Going to Wal-mart- Usually, I like to grocery shop once a week. However, since we’ve been so close to our due date, I find that I just don’t want to plan for supper because I’d rather hold out hope that we’ll have a baby instead of me having to cook.  This means that I’ve had to go to Wal-Mart at least once a day this week to get something for us to eat, and I can say with some certainty that grocery shopping does not induce labor.

9.       Getting Ready for Baby- Another one of my weird ideas was that maybe I’ve been psychologically preventing myself from having a baby.  I figured that Rooster wouldn’t come early because my subconscious knew that we didn’t have his room ready, the laundry done, or the house picked up for those wonderful “oh you’re having a baby!” houseguests.  In an effort to ease my subconscious I have cooked, cleaned, and decorated until it's finally all done! And I still don’t have a baby.

And last but certainly not least...

10.   Ice Cream- Yep, that’s right. Ice cream does not induce labor.  How do I know? Well I’ve had a hankering for ice cream every day for the past two weeks, and I’ve indulged that craving a few more times than I care to admit.  Somehow, it made sense to think that the sugar would give Rooster the extra energy he needs to make his way down the birth canal. Well, it hasn’t so far…but of all my experiments so far I think this one has the most potential so I’m not going to give up on it quite yet!

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